Question: How do you write a game column for a game that is thousands of miles away and not on television?

Answer: Very carefully and very vaguely.

So while I can’t give you an in-depth breakdown of the game or offer my thoughts on the atmosphere, I’ll do my
best to provide my patented, off-kilter look at the game (and I mean that literally. I sent off for that patent kit you
see on TV. I’ve also sent off my free art test. I drew the pirate and the turtle in the hat.)

...