You’ve read all the previews already. The safe bets that we’ll win a certain number of games, finish at a certain spot in the standings, and blah blah blah. Those previews are all fine, but let’s approach this whole genre a different way so that you guys won’t stab out your eyes to avoid reading yet another expert explaining that the season hinges on Jameel Sewell ‘s wrist. No kidding.
Let’s take the season and break this baby down by the numbers. And let’s start at the beginning …
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Vandy-Hoo expects a healthy season from QB Jameel Sewell .
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0: The number of times Al Groh will be fired … the number of ACC Championships for the Hoos … the number of ACC Championships for the Hokies … the total times Jameel Sewell will miss a game … the total times I will miss a home game.
1: The number of times Rule 2b will be triggered against the Hoos in the bowl selection process … the total amount of contract extensions for Groh … the number of times John T. Casteen channels Oliver Platt and screams “I already have a second-place ACC finish, I want a championship!”
2: The amount of fumbles forced by Chris Long this season … the number of players involved in a Lyla Garrity-like fight over a cheerleader … the total times the Hokies try and vandalize something on UVa property … the number of Hoos on the All-ACC first team … the number of midair chestbumps by a member of the coaching staff.
3: The number of weeks it’ll take for us to know if Sewell’s wrist is up to snuff (the first game can be chalked up to jitters, the second game won’t need much passing, but that road test against Carolina will probably require enough throws to show us what’s up) … the number of Hoos picked in the NFL Draft … the margin of defeat at Wyoming.
4: The total brawls involving teams from the state of Florida in the conference this year … the margin of victory against Pitt … the number of short-yardage touchdowns on the Payne Train … the total number of goal line stops by the Orange Crush … the number of times CavMan will actually be entertaining this season.
5: The total amount of fake punts that Wyoming will try and fail against the Hoos this year … total interceptions by Chris Cook … the number of referee challenges by Groh … total wins by Butch Davis after instilling the winning spirit (of the Cleveland Browns) in Chapel Hill.
6: Virginia’s longest winning steak this season … the margin of victory against the Jackets … the margin of defeat against Wake Forest … the number of missed field goals … the total amount of fumble recoveries by the defense … the number of two-point conversion attempts … the average number of dog fighting related posts each week.
7: The margin of victory over the Pack … total sacks by Fitz this season … points scored by the return men … the number of blog posts this season by Jeff White … total wins this season by Virginia … the number of Wahoo fans happy with the amount of wins this season.
8: The margin of defeat against the Canes … the number of unsubstantiated rumors about academic suspensions … total 100-yard plus rushing games by Peerman … the number of times DCPoke points out that Wyoming is not at sea level in the week before the first game.
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Guess what ref, that wasn’t a hold on Branden Albert !
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9: The margin of defeat against the Terps … the margin of victory against MTSU … total number of “Keith Jennifer HOLLA!” posts that leak onto the football board … the amount of incorrect holding calls against Branden Albert … the number of times Boardhost refers to Alyssa Milano on the football board.
10: Total margin of victory against the Heels … the amount of turnovers by the offense … the number of times Groh analogized football to something wholly unrelated to athletics … the number of times The Daily Press starts and then discontinues a Virginia sports blog.
11: Average amount of times someone will post a message calling for Pete Lalich to play per game … total receptions by Dontrelle Inman … the number of rumors about secret commits … the margin of defeat against the Hokies … the number of points that those one-trick ponies will lose the Commonwealth Challenge by.
12: The total number of interceptions this year … the margin of victory in the Nut Bowl … average dollar amount for a lunch for two in the stadium … total touchdown passes this season … average number of slotting opinions in a JHoo article that doesn’t match the coach’s slotting decisions.
13: The number of turnovers caused by the defense … the number of times Doug Doughty will refer to a rumor he read on TheSabre.com message boards without giving credit to his source … total times I’ll have to visit those ladies’ clothing shops on the Corner as part of the Great Mahini Compromise of 2003.
14: The margin of victory against UConn … the number of points scored by the defense this season … the number of times Boardhost will refer to Mike Scott on the football board … average points by opponents … total number of tackles for loss by Chris Long .
15: The number of OOC losses by ACC teams this year … total tackles by Nate Lyles against the Hokies … number of times Kris grants me an extension to finish an article … amount of times this season a poster on the football board will wonder out loud why Vic Hall isn’t the quarterback.
16: The number of asthma attacks during the ridiculous ground-level pyrotechnics that will fill Scott Stadium with smoke … total number of rushing touchdowns this season … the number of “Oops! Wrong board!” posts on the football board.
17: The margin of victory against the hapless Blue Devils … total number of out-of-state signees for the recruiting class … average points per game … the number of daisy cutter incidents, give or take a 100, during the week of the Virginia Tech game.
18: The number of times Groh says “circumstances” to reporters this season … number of rushing attempts by Peerman against Wake … average number of receptions per game by players that aren’t wide receivers … total points scored by Maurice Covington .
19: The number of fans that will complain about the failure to score a touchdown in the last quarter against Duke … The number of time Sarge responds: “Uhmmmmmmm, we won didn’t we!!!!!**”
20: The number of times someone will tell me to sit down in my seat this season … the number of field goals … the highest ranking the team will reach in the polls … the number of freshmen redshirts … the average amount of minutes a driver’s vehicle will be motionless when trying to leave Scott Stadium after a game.
21: Amount of times the announcers refer to Calvin Johnson during the Georgia Tech game … total yards for the longest punt return … the number of extra points … total amount of “Al Groh is on the hot seat” claims in the media this season … the number of times those claims will be wrong.
22: Total completed passes against Pitt … number of first downs against Duke … the amount of times the wave will be started at home during our own offensive possessions.
23: Number of people that will contact me for my extra Virginia Tech ticket … average yards per game for Tom Santi … total amount of free gallons of windshield wiper fluid fans will actually pick up from the store as part of that promotion all season.
24: Longest rushing play by Jameel Sewell … average return yards per kickoff for Peerman … total penalty yards by the Hoos per game … the number of times per game that drunken sot in my row will make me have to stand up so he can get out to use the bathroom.
25: The number of times I’ll be proven wrong in this article (give or take a dozen).